There are several differences between emotional hunger and physical hunger, according to the University of Texas Counseling and Mental Health Center web site:

1. Emotional hunger comes on suddenly; physical hunger occurs gradually.

2. When you are eating to fill a void that isn’t related to an empty stomach, you crave a specific food, such as pizza or ice cream, and only that food will meet your need. When you eat because you are actually hungry, you’re open to options.

3. Emotional hunger feels like it needs to be satisfied instantly with the food you crave; physical hunger can wait.

4. Even when you are full, if you’re eating to satisfy an emotional need, you’re more likely to keep eating. When you’re eating because you’re hungry, you’re more likely to stop when you’re full.

5. Emotional eating can leave behind feelings of guilt; eating when you are physically hungry does not.

Me and all FIVE of these reasons mesh… now how do I stop the issue?  Read a book?  Oye this may be harder than I had thought…

Really, sorry for the language, but last week wasnt too sweet.

Regardless, I dropped the ball.  I went back to my whole lets-make-an-excuse as to why I should eat the entire refrigerator motto and screwed up an entire week of change.

Even knowing that you were out there watching and waiting for me to come back with good news this morning as I was supposed to hop on the scale and see big numbers on Monday, but I didnt even DARE to walk within a MILE of my bathroom.

No scale.

Not yet.

I guess I really need your help more than ever.  I feel weak, like I cant find it within myself to just say NO to food.  I sound nuts.  Its just food. Its just a piece of pizza.  WHY THE HELL DO I NEED IT!

Any comments or tips greatly appreciated!!

Anyways, today I plan on trying again.  I hope I dont lose you with all of this mish mash.  I want to be heatlhy more than anything.  I dont want to be SKINNY anymore.  I just want to balance my damn relationship with food.

DAY ONE RECOMMENCE!!!

Can we all ban together and PRAY for me! Thanks….

Most of the time, when I get busy Ill just shove whatever is in front of me into my mouth.  A glass of champagne at a party I am working, a slice of pizza ordered into the office, or fast food EEEEWWWW when I was in dire need, but now, its all different.  Its like something just clicked in my head.

Have one glass of wine or champagne and not three.  Have one mini appetizer being offered, not all of them.  Its odd.  I dont miss that feeling of being overstuffed all of the time like a balloon ready to POP into pieces!!

Last night, as I had come from a long day of school where I brought my own snacks to keep me running, I wasnt even tempted by the open bar at an event I was at for the Grammys.  I was too busy all day and all night to want to shove my face full of fattyness.

And, then again, there was also you peering down on me saying, “Ill be waiting for an update missy!”  I didn’t want to let you all down now!!

So cheers to you and my new found DONT SHOVE WHATEVER IS IN FRONT OF YOU DOWN YOUR THROAT mantra!

Ill be back tomorrow for a longer post!

A few nights ago I went out on the town in LA, some silly nightclub and felt pretty crappy even going out seeing as though the extra pounds don’t usually look so nice under a skin tight, HERVE LEDGER, mini dress.  But, despite my weight loss woes, I made my way out with a bunch of my girlfriends.

I know I have a boyfriend, but its always nice to know that other guys are at least somewhat interested.  That night, I was completely shafted.  Nobody turned heads.  Nothing.

A month before, and ten pounds before, I went out to the same LA nightclub.  I walked in the door equipped with my high heel stilettos, tight dress, and whispy hair (JUST AS I HAD ONE THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN I WAS IGNORED LIKE A PLAUGE) and there it was - jaws dropped, eyes googled me up and down, drinks were offered, dance requests made, photos taken. It was EUPHORIC.

I think that there should be some sort of scale for the downright Asshole-ness of men.

Ass-Hole Scale According to Me:

When a girl weighs over 150 pounds – RUN AWAY

When a girl weighs in between 140 and 150 – I can buy you a drink if you give it up

When a girl weighs under 140 pounds – WILL YOU MARRY ME ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!

I am just dumbfounded.  I dont look that different 20 pounds later, right, especially on a 5’7 frame?  How is it possible that within a months time I can be completely shafted at a club because my hips have a twang of curve?  LAME

Is society really that materialstic and judgmental?  GEEZZZ

This morning, I made a pit stop at my office, where the staff hasnt seen me since I was 135 lbs about 3 months ago and whats the reaction I get?

“Oh, wow, you look… PAUSE.. AWKWARD…” I but in… “I look normal again?” trying to make an excuse for my weight gain (fluctuater central) by claiming that I had looked emaciated before due to stress from the job.

OYE number one.  OYE number two happened before I even left my house this morning when I decided to be all in all honest with you guys.

Yesterday I had said that I weight 150 pounds currently, but that was just a guestimation.  I found the courage to hop on the scale this morning and found a harsh reality staring back at me.

160 pounds. Big OYE (Oye- for those of you who don’t know- is a better way to say Oh, Crap!)

So now, knowing that I have gained a whopping 25 pounds back in less than 3 months leads to that inspiration I call a bitch, not to mention the fact that last night my lovely oyfriend of 4 years started healpfully lecturing me on how to work out properly.

Thanks for the advice, aka, “Baby, maybe its time to get back in shape,” speech.

GRRRRRRREAT.

Well, all in all, although my harsh reality check was much needed seeing as though before I spoke with my boyfriend, I Indulged in a piece of pizza that was just sitting on the counter ready for someone to enjoy.

I guess its time to drop the slice of pepperoni, embrace my curves, accept that I have resorted back to my old ways, and brutally make a change.

All I have left to say is, OYE!!

Writing about my struggles with my body are not easy and with that said, I am going to admit that I am a coward.  I want to be honest, truthful, full of detail, uncensored…  I want to be myself, but if I tell you who I am, I wont be able to do that.

I dont want to be judged.  Who does right?

I want to be able to overcome my fears and problems with food first and then maybe, just maybe I can tell you who I am.  I am not ready yet and I think you have the right to know that.

Hell, I wouldn’t tell a soul, except for the lady who weighed me at Weight Watchers, how much I weighed at my heaviest.  But since you don’t know me… I can.

I was 260 pounds at the age of 15.

Now I am 100 pounds lighter approximately at the age of 22.

I want to be 130 pounds on my 5’6-ish frame.

Not only do I want to be 130 HEALTHY pounds, but I want to remain 130 pounds for more than a month without gaining weight back and then losing it again and then back again… HENCE… the wonderful Diary of a Fluctuater.

Those are my goals.  That is what I strive for.  My name is not important.  Call me a coward if you must.

I sat in bed after my long day of school and work, running around like  chicken with  my head cutt off, wanting nothing more to dip dive into a bag of pretzels and a new episode of reality TV.  I did the latter, but said no to the munchies.

And, why do you ask did I get this sudden urge to refrain from eating late night?

The answer is you.

I didnt want to have to do the walk of shame to my computer at 8 AM this morning relenting my lack of will power and having to admit that my day one wasnt really a day one at all.

For the first time, I  had a reason to be accounatble for my actions.  Even if nobody is even reading this blog, I felt responsible.  Like I had made a promise to everyone out there and I didnt want to look like a fool.

I may have not gone to the gym, but I definitely felt like I got started on the right track and now I know that I cant succumb or else I will have to answer to all of you, explaining my irrational, futile actions.

So Thank You for helping me, even if you have no idea what you did.

Cheers!

Today I will start over.

I have to write it out on paper so that I know its true.

I will eat healthy.

I will exercise.

I will begin a new journey.

Oye.

So how in the hell do I conquer my “maybe,” my “kind of ready,” my “I can probably do this,” attitude?

I figure that one can go to therapy or hell, even apply for a spot on the Biggest Loser to try to find the courage to OVERCOME, not just temporarily mend, their eating issues.  I could do all of the above if I wanted to, but for some weird reason I have more determination to conque this battle on my own rather than to flock to a hardcore, in your face trainer like Jillian Michaels, who prefers angry rage as a method of healing, or sit in a therapist’s chair for two hours (racking up a 500 dollar tab) and pour my heart out on why I turn to food for comfort.  If that’s what helps you, by all means…

I am different.  I have coped with my weight problems SOLO for over 20 years (Oh, that makes me feel old, even though I am only a few years older than 20).  I have sucked it up, literally, when I felt too large to be dancing in a club full of models.  I have sucked it in when I couldn’t fit into those size 6 True Religion jeans that everyone else in the world loved to wear.  I walked away when I heard people laugh at me.  I shrugged it off when I overheard people talk about my weight. I didn’t care.

Well isnt that the biggest lie you have ever heard?  Of course, I CARED when people called me fat instead of giving me the chance to speak a word.  Obviously I knew something was wrong when I didnt fit into my jeans anymore.  Clearly, I am not stupid and I realize that being overweight since I was lets say, 5 years old, has changed my life forever, but here’s the question I beg to ask.  If I lost weight once, trying so HARD to fix my so-called disease, how come I cant permanently stay SKINNY!!!!!!!

If Oprah has a right to fluctuate, why don’t I?  Bad attitude right there.  It took me 6 months, that is all it took, to shed off almost 100 pounds of excess weight that I had been carrying on my back for years.  Freshman year of college became life changing.  Boys liked me??  Boys talked to me flirtatiously instead of just shaking my hand while staring at my hot roommate?  I could wear anything I wanted??  It just hit me like  whirlwind.  I could be who I had always wanted to be.

And I was.  I was everything that I had always wanted.  I had long flowy hair, an almost smoking body, a boyfriend, CONFIDENCE, will power to work out every day.  I was skinny!  It just happened overnight almost.

And then, (QUE THE DRAMATIC HORROR MUSIC), I slowly started to gain the weight back.  I had everything I had wanted so why did I need to starve myself anymore.  Why did I have to eat a half of a half of a half of a salad for dinner when I could wear a bikini anyways?   One piece of birthday cake won’t make me fat right?

It will if I keep eating piece after piece day after day.  Food is sadly an addiction.  I have come to accept it.  At least for me, one  simple, small, tiny, morsel of a bite can be deadly.

Cut 6 months later and there I was, uncomfortable all over again.  Its not like I would EVER let myself gain back all of the weight, but I mean… Shit happens. Hamburgers late at night after drinking happen, sitting at home bored with a bag of chips happens, going out for dinner with the boyfriend who makes you eat everything happens, that small piece of chocolate that has been on your desk for weeks…

And now, here I am.  After I would say about three times losing ALL of the weight, even reaching my ULTIMATE goal weight, I am back where I began.  I am chubby again.  Not fat like I was.  I am chubby.  I am en route to becoming that person that I despised for her lack of will power, motivation and weakness.

Most of all, I WANT TO KNOW WHY I AM LIKE THIS? I don’t want a doctor to sit down and tell me its because of a traumatic experience in my family or because I was teased and turned to food.  I want to figure this crazy life out on my own terms.  And this blog is going to be my cure.

This is the Diary of a Fluctuater and here, in this simple list of words, I will conquer my issues with food.  I will research, I will delve into my past, I will use words to take my mind away from eating, I will overcome this disease that has plaugued me for years on end.

But Ineed your help.  Any comments, any tips, advice, ANYTHING at all, even if you think I am crazy.  I want to hear it.  I want the truth and I want to come to terms with myself and most of all, my body.

Girls and even boys all over the world suffer quietly every day with their weight.  They watch TV and look at magazines with the ideal woman and as much as we try to say it doesnt matter, it does.  The vision of perfection sticks with you for life, in the very back of you head and you want that.  Dont deny it.

I want to NOT want that anymore.  I dont want it to matter.  I want to be carefre about my body.  I want to share with you how I got here, where I am going, and how I plan to keep myself  at a STABLE and most of all, HEALTHY weight for the rest of my life.